my friend mr. williams

from an email sent to me :


all right

we have to figure this out. i can't have you crying randomly for extended periods of time. i have to think that this is just the result of several stressful issues butting up against each other. the job search, the relationship with dude, being at home, all that.

i'm sure the doctor tomorrow will have some practical advice for you. all i can offer is that when i'm feeling down, i make an effort to generate my own happiness. for instance, and i know this is a weak example, going to the record store always makes me happy, but it's not the easiest place to get to. it requires a combination of bothersome driving/parking or riding the train/walking. but i know that if i put in that effort, ultimately, i'll feel better. i imagine it's the same feeling that healthy, good looking people get from going to the gym. so there's that.

i gotta say, i feel like you're on the cusp. you're very close, and i've thought this for a while now, to really having things figured out. maybe that feels like it's a long ways off right now, but i don't think it's such a long shot. you're an attractive, smart, ambitious woman. soon you'll find some sort of peace with the contentious issues in your life, and everything will snap into place. doors will be opened for you (literally and metaphorically) and coats will be laid over puddles for you (probably just literally, maybe a little bit metaphorically). you have that to look forward to.

i hope you feel better. tomorrow is always another day.

h.w.c.

cum on your skin feels so warm, it amazed me just looking at the drops of it on my hand.

what i miss

-the smell of his cologne or soap, whatever it was. i wish i had asked him what it is he uses. that smell drives me wild.
-the same exact conversation we had every time
me: are you good?
him: -breathes in- yeah, are you?
me: -sigh- yeah, i am
him: good
-the way he'd suck on my bottom lip
-he would bite me when i asked him too and even though i told him he could do it harder, he never would.
-him on top of me, kissing and going really slow
-us laughing whenever something silly/completely unsexy would happen
-the way he would text me the whole day before he came over, telling me what he wanted to do to me
-feeling his fingers grasp my hair
-the way we used to wrap our legs around each other

things that would have been on the life list that i already did

• meet someone famous (i met bill clinton and shook his hand at a rally)
• ride the subway (jfk airport->queens->manhattan)
• visit new york city
• take a flight cross country
• get a passport
• get a driver's license

cut up and taped to the wall

i had some shakespeare quotes cut and taped up to the walls in my room. i had to take them down when i moved back home. i don't want to lose them, so here they are.

So foul and fair a day I have not seen
-Macbeth (1.3.38)

For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so
-Hamlet (2.2.246)

For aught that I could ever read,
Could ever hear by tale of history,
The course of true love never did run smooth
-Lysander in A Midsummer Night's Dream (1.1.132-132)

Farewell, thou art too dear for my possessing,
And you probably know exactly what you're worth
-Sonnet 87

So true a fool is love that in your will,
Though you do anything, he thinks no ill.
-Sonnet 57


Thou by thy dial's shady stealth mayst know
Time's thievish progress to eternity
-Sonnet 77

life list

The ones that get done will be crossed out and more will be added as I think of them.

• get my nose pierced
• grow my hair out past my boobs
• learn to walk in heels
• find a beer i like to drink
• learn how to roll a cigarette
• try sushi
• host a dinner party
• go to new york city for new year's eve
• get over my fear of freeway driving and take a road trip
• visit a beach on the east coast
• go to a planetarium
• learn to swim
• write a poem i am proud of
• explore a tidepool
• be a published author
• visit the town i was born in
• have an orgasm during intercourse
• have thighs that don't touch together
• take a photography class and learn to develop film
• visit the following american cities :
• seattle
• portland
• chicago
• boston
• berkeley
• honolulu
• visit the following world cities :
• rio de janiero
  
• mexico city
• havana
• london
• paris
• montreal
• tokyo
• get a tattoo
• see bob dylan live before he dies
• spend christmas somewhere with snow on the ground.
  
• meet my internet friends :
• mike aka remo williams
• reid
• visit the aztec temples
• visit the pyramids in egypt
• go to a yankee-red sox game
• take a portrait i am happy to display
• be a contestant on jeopardy
• have a slice of authentic new york pizza (missed my chance when i went in 2007)
  
• eat a philly cheesesteak in philadelphia
• go a week without watching tv
• take a hip hop dance class and perform a routine successfully from start to finish
• graduate from college
• go to a professional sports game other than baseball

the crazy girl(friend)

no, this time for real. as in, this time i want to start writing in this.
we'll see how this goes.

i wish i was the crazy girlfriend.
at least then i would be the girlfriend; i already have the crazy thing down pat. hiding it is the least challenging part of it.